2021 December – Coffee v MacBook, Teefs, Road Trip, Chill Swimming, Duck Ponds
Coffee v MacBook
It might not look like it but it’s raining.
Mum is useless, she has no coat (again) so she is drenched (again). I’m wet as well but I’m a lot more resilient. We walked quite a long way today and saw no one which is how I like it. There were lots of sniffy things to sniff today so I expect I will be quite tired later on.
We’re back home now and Mum has dried me and I’ve had my treat so all is ok with the world.
Apart from the MacBook of course. Mum tipped an entire cup of coffee into the keyboard and the keypad yesterday. As it happens, she kept surprisingly calm which is not like her at all. She was stuck on the settee with coffee swilling around everywhere and didn’t want to spill it on the carpet so in the end she took her shirt off to mop it up because there was nothing else to hand.
Anyway I think the MacBook is pretty dead now. The shirt seems to have survived though. On balance Mum has hinted (quite strongly) that financially this is entirely the wrong way around but it’s her fault anyway. Coffee is nasty in my opinion, so karma.
Teefs
This is a picture of me asleep and dreaming of something and getting cross with it whatever it is.
I am growling a lot and yelping occasionally. You probably wouldn’t want to mess with me when I’m like this I can tell you.
Anyhow, I expect I won.
When I woke up Mum was laughing but it’s not funny. She isn’t really safe to be let out on her own so I have to visualise and rehearse endless scenarios where I (will probably) have to rescue her from danger.
Or more likely rescue her from herself if I’m honest.
She’s a nightmare.
Road Trip to Dorset
This is a picture of me in front of the fire at the cottage in Dorset at Christmas this year with Mum’s brother and girlfriend and a lot of beef and duck.
It was very nice, please and thank you, apart from the stairs which were built for mountain climbing hobbits if you ask me. As I’m not a mountain climbing hobbit, I mostly stayed in front of the fire.
The journey down on Christmas Eve had a degree of jeopardy added to it because Mum and offspring #3 (in their combined wisdom) decided to avoid any sort of decent road and try to get from East Anglia to Dorset on back lanes just for funsy because let’s face it, why would you want to drive on normal roads, right?
It was pitch black and chucking with rain and I doubt either of them actually knew where they were most of the time. We ended up on a High Risk Route at one point and it wasn’t entirely clear what the high risk was. Probably Mum and offspring #3.
Obviously it took way longer than it should have. This is just the sort of nonsense I have to put up with from these two – it’s a miracle I’m so well adjusted and calm really.
I have put in a request for an open fire like the cottage because it suits me but Mum has said we’d have to move house for that- she seems to be making a big deal out of something quite simple but that’s humans for you.
Now we’re back home, I have just seen the postman off (again). Mum says he’s nice but her judgement is terrible so I’m taking no notice of her.
Chill Swimming and Duck Ponds
This is a picture of me with a chew stick because I have given up on Mum today. She has gone a bit mad if you ask me and this is why.
We’ve returned from Christmas in Dorset and Mum has decided that she will take on board the idea of chill swimming / wild swimming which sounds far too extreme for a doggo of my relatively sedentary tastes.
Mum is going to do it properly with a local wild swimming group but apparently there is something called Health and Safety and the rivers round here are all in full flood so Mum is unable to try it out at the moment. It also involves using Facebook to get in touch so we all know how that is going to work out.
In lieu of this (because obviously this is the only sensible alternative and apparently the Romans did something similar) Mum put the shower on freezing cold for 3 minutes to get a similar experience. Unlike the Coffee v MacBook incident there was quite a lot of effin’ ‘n’ jeffin’ if I’m entirely honest.
In my humble opinion, there is absolutely no way she’ll ever, ever, ever get into a river at this rate.
Apparently the benefits include boosting the immune system, giving you a natural high, improving circulation, burning calories, improving libido, reducing stress, socialising and making friends.
In my experience outdoorsy people like this often have dogs and I’m not keen on other dogs so feel free to research this at your own risk. I can personally guarantee I won’t be there with you is all I’m saying. I’ve only really added this info because I’ve just seen Mum take some chicken out of the freezer and I’m feeling I should make the effort to stay in her good books today.
I’m not an expert on swimming but I do know a bit about ponds because I once fell into one by mistake. It was covered in duckweed and looked the same as the surrounding grass. I ran onto it and I went down like a lift. It was a bit of a shock (for me that is) and Mum nearly fell in trying to get me out because the bank was so steep and according to her I am ‘a bit of a chonk’ (rude).
Obviously after Mum hauled me out, I covered her in duckweed and skanky water when I shook myself dry-ish. Really she should have stood up faster and got out of the way. Her reactions need improving anyway, so I expect she’ll move a bit quicker if it ever happens again.
However, I am planning on staying well away from water for now – although I am quite partial to the occasional muddy puddle. I expect we’ll find some puddles tomorrow because it has rained so much.
Maybe some nice ‘jumpy in’ puddles will distract Mum from this Chill Swimming malarkey.
Saffron’s recommendations this month: A completely non Christmas mix, just because I can. And so I shall. Here it is.
You and Me Song – The Wannadies (You and Me, Always and Forever – OK Saffron :) )
Unfinished Sympathy – Massive Attack
Little Red Corvette – Prince
I Want it That Way – Backstreet Boys
Mr Brightside – The Killers
Rolling in the Deep – Adele
What Becomes of the Broken Hearted – Jimmy Ruffin
Mirror Man – Human League
Justified and Ancient – The KLF ft Tammy Wynette
My Favourite Waste of Time – Owen Paul
Reading:
‘Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell’ by Susanna Clarke, published by Bloomsbury
A parallel history of Britain in the early 1800’s where magicians were active participants. Fantasy supported by copious footnotes and background detail. An astonishingly good read.
The book was written in parts and then stitched together over 10 years in the authors spare time.
Films:
Keeping to the fantasy theme, how about a bit of Eddie Redmayne playing Newt Scamander in:
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
The first in a series of films and effectively a prequel to Harry Potter and set in 1920’s New York. Nicely done. If you’re a Harry Potter fan, you’ll be happy. Promise.